one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
