so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
