My liver just broke up with me...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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