I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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