Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Randomize
