this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
