you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
