I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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