yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
