I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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