She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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