If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
