Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
