Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
