I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize