This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
