I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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