I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
