Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
