why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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