My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
