Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
