i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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