chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I queefed so loud it echoed.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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