The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
