Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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