people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
