How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
