Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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