If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
