guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
