You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
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