How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just saw a hot homeless man
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
