If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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