he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
