I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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