sarcasm needs its own font
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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