I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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