the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
