My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
