My sheets look like a crime scene.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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