You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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