Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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