Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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