And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
