i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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