totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
