I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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