I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
