Duck Duck Cougar?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
