i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
