She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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