I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No subtext here. People are naked.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
