I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize