I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
