So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
