I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
