I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
