at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
