I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
