yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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