Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just cut my nipple shaving
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
