just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
