I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
